about this track:

Goodbye is a song about the end of the world.

I have been obsessed with the end of the world ever since I was a little kid. I grew up with the omnipresent terror that the world could end at any moment and there was nothing I could do about it. This song conveys a lot of my feelings about the end of the world, and a lot of feelings about specific events in my life that felt like the end of the world.

The writing of this song began my freshmen year of high school. I had come to the realization that I was trans barely a year before, and hadn't really told anyone yet. It was a terrifying thing to grapple with, and while trapped in this suffocating and isolating terror, I was stuck with an intense apocalyptic feeling. One day during my drive to school, I was thinking about this idea of a feminine apocalypse. The sky growing increasingly filled with intense reds and purples as pink lightning shot down from the sky. The world being swallowed by garish girliness, an oppressive suffocation of gender bringing about the end of all things.

I wondered how I would react to this, something I had thought about a lot as a little kid. I concluded I would probably just lay in bed and cry, or more likely, I would sit in bed staring into space, feeling nothing. I did a lot of that back then.

I thought a lot about the end of the world, my fascination with the prevalence of apocalypse narratives, how we use them as escapism, and my frustration with those who simply said that we had it coming, often times stating that we were long overdue.

The chorus came to me in the shower.

"And every human feared that day
But we wrote about it anyway
Spending every word
Freeing our lives and our minds from this world"


It's hard going to school every day, grappling with depression and anxiety, failing tests, losing friends, and getting constantly misgendered and deadnamed. It's hard not having a solid support network, not knowing who to trust, who will support you and who will shun you.
I ended up finding a community full of queer and trans people online through a small twitch streamer's discord server. Everyone was so nice, I introduced myself with my new name, Lily, and she/her pronouns. Despite the disconnect that comes with interacting online, I finally had something that felt real, somewhere that felt safe. I had created a world to escape into, the real world was too tough to handle.

And then that world came to an end. I was thrust suddenly back into the real world, forced to rebuild connections.

The song's subject became more about this end. The third verse and chorus switching from a fantastical apocalyptic scenario to the real one that I had experienced.

I wrote the second verse to this song right after coming out to one of my friends for the first time.

I was staring at the ceiling while laying on the floor.

The song went through many iterations beyond that. I removed parts, added those same parts back in, removed other parts.

I even re did the entire instrumental from the ground up at one point because I wasn't satisfied.

I put off recording the vocals for a long time. I've been quite scared to release this song, it really means a lot to me and finishing it is a big deal.

I recorded the vocals one day to just have something there. The next day I got my ears pierced and have been unable to wear over ear headphones since, meaning I was stuck with those vocals. Despite the uncertainty I buckled down and set a release date.

And now here I am, an hour before 11/22/22, writing this.

I think I've put this off for long enough, and I'm really excited for everyone to hear this. It's been in the works for a long time.

And so I think it's time for this song's long production to come to an end.

I hope you enjoy.